I Want To Be A Quitter

I've struggled a long time with this idea of community. I've written about it in a past blog and it feels like I'm forever failing at it. I've had too high of expectations of people. I tried to make them hopes but in some cases it still never came to pass.

I'm realizing there is something within me that has too high of expectations of myself. Last March my husband asked a bunch of my girl friends to send him a video of what they liked about me. He had a friend compile the video and it was amazing! It was the best 40th birthday present ever to see that I truly have community.  Forty different women shared and I couldn't stop crying.  It was a sort of proof that I have people who really love me and in some cases see me different than I see myself.

Going through last year depressed refined me. I can now say that I was grateful for that year. Do I want to relive it? Um, no. I learned a lot though about myself and the community I lived in. And, as always I know its always changing. It has brought about a change that is starting to occur in myself. This idea is the concept of letting go of some expectation of what I do with my time.

Last year was difficult with my youngest, Ada. She was very high maintenance on many levels. This drained me and I wasn't helping myself by trying to maintain the community lifestyle I had been living. I'm a coordinator of groups of friends. I work hard to maintain one on one time with them as well. This probably kept me going last year, to not completely drown by the incoming tide.

What does this mean for this year as I heal and begin to bloom again? I've been seeing a counselor who truly helps me to have better vision. Whenever I leave her office it feels like I obtained a brand new pair of glasses. Sometimes its scary to see what I am now seeing. Its more comfortable to view things blurry. At the same time I love the freedom I am feeling!

This is Avery. Isn't she beautiful? Its boring to just keep reading a blog post so I thought
I'd break it up with a pretty picture of my friend. Photo by Lindsey Fugitt
My friend Avery and I went through a workbook called Storyline by Donald Miller this past year. I really liked it. Some parts we blew off because it just wasn't the right timing but it was really easy to follow and I was encouraged by the parts we read and the things we wrote down. I received emails from Donald. Not personal ones, mind you (You know my buddy Don!), but little blog posts he writes mostly promoting his new work. I haven't read the entire series he has sent but one in particular really made me think.  The title was "Sometimes Its Ok to Quit." You can read the whole series here and the principle I am referring to is the third one.

This whole idea that I can quit things isn't new but its something I forget easily. I'm pondering more what this will mean for me but I wonder if this is my year of quitting. I can quit worrying that I cannot buy everything organic. I can quit trying to do all things and be all things to all people. Ain't that a doozy?! I can quit worrying that people don't believe that I am being a good enough friend to them. I can quit worrying that I truly need that space of time in my life to call doctors for my girls, go to appointments and just maintain our lives.

I see these women who focus on a word each year that encourages them like Redeem, Love, Enough, Hope or Carefree. I've been laughing to myself because I wonder if my word is Quit. I could paint it on some pallet wood and hang it in my kitchen over my sink. People could walk into my kitchen and see it hanging there and I could tell them that's my word! Wouldn't that be fun?

In all of this as I ponder and pray and talk with a few friends, I really have come to realize that the Lord is with me. I had the best Advent season ever this year. I prepared ahead of time so our calendar was full of space to receive Him. And it was good. And, He did come. And, I will try to be welcoming so that He knows I want Him to stay.

This post was suppose to be about Ada's first week of preschool but somehow I felt I needed to share what is going on inside of me and what I am learning. I share because I know that it brings us all closer in community and I always hope that it is an encouragement to those who read. I'm going to continue to quit having it all together and sharing my life with others so that we can grow closer.


Popular Posts