Its Not What I Thought It Would Be Like

Last night we had some friends over who recently experienced a miscarriage. This week I wrote a letter to a couple who recently lost their baby at 20 weeks. Two days ago I congratulated a mom who just had a baby with Down syndrome. With all three the vision they had for their child has been taken away. Its not what they wanted or hoped for. Its shocking and hard to understand the why.

All three brought me back to a time when I was numb and angry and really didn't feel like praying. I mean, really, want is the point? Its not like He really listens. And all the crap about the desires of our hearts. Really? Having a hard time conceiving my children and then having to work hard with them to accomplish every day things in life was no way my desire.

My childish thinking had been blown away 10 years ago when we first started trying for a child. The path could look like a great country song hit! Hmmm...if only I knew how to write music. Where is this God who brings good things to us? Where is this God who is good?
My faith doesn't look like it used to. Many times I have to rely on others to believe for me and I am so grateful that my husband has gift of believing when I cannot. Its been ten years where I haven't felt "on fire." I do not have the emotions that used to come along with my faith but I do have strong beliefs deep within my soul. 

Yesterday during Good Friday all day long I sang in my heart and sometimes out loud, "Lord, have mercy. Christ, have mercy, on me." We started attending a liturgical church three years ago. And the liturgy is what has kept me rooted. We say the same confession each week and each week I grab onto it and feel it within me. Each week a blessing is said over us and I receive it with Hope. These things have kept me going because I can no longer pray for myself.

Tomorrow is Easter. For 40 days now our family has talked about this time on focusing on who Christ is and what He has done for us. My girls are getting excited because Easter is coming! No bunny comes to our house but a celebration breakfast and pretty decorations to set the day and season apart. We will no longer abstain and join in his suffering but we will be filled with joy and praise to the one who saved our souls!

I write this to encourage those who don't feel like talking to Jesus right now. Its really ok. He doesn't mind. He's still there. Jesus is a God of love and if what you feel is happening to you doesn't feel like love, I get it. I've been there. Sometimes I am still there. What Him and I have now is something deeper. Something that I would have never asked for in this way. And, sometimes wish I didn't have to have or experience. I no longer believe I know it all and never expect to. I'm glad He is still here even though a lot of the times we are sitting in a room silent together. 

If you are there right now I do have the ability to pray for you. And, guess what? I can even believe for you. As your sister I'd love to talk to Him for you if you cannot or don't want to. Just send me a message.

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. (Romans 15:13)

If you can't trust Him. I can do that for you, until you are ready to do that on your own.


  1. I love this, Ann. I really resonate with the not feeling "on fire" and struggling to believe He cares about what I desire. The combination of having a hard time praying and the liturgy has been such a blessing. It's funny you mentioned the song - since you posted it on Facebook the other day I've caught myself many times quietly humming it. Thank you for sharing your heart, it was super encouraging for me today.

    1. I'm glad it was encouraging! Its encouraging to hear that you are enjoying the liturgy as well.


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