Two-Sided Coin

I love to write when I am inspired and contemplating life. I believe somewhere inside of me is a book. The problem is whenever I start to pursue that book I freeze. When this happens, I have nothing to write about and it kills me because right before that the mind was flowing.

Six months ago I told my counselor about this and she told me that what I have is a two-sided coin. On one side is the fear of success and the other side is the fear of failure.  Great!  I’ve been dealing with this coin my whole life and it was nice that I could now name it but what do I do with that? For six freaking months I’ve been trying to get rid of that damn coin. I am tired of it but the more I think about it, and the more I try to get rid of it, the worse it gets.

Ada's first time actually walking at the Down syndrome walk. She keeps going and never thinks
about whether or not she is failing.

So its third grade curriculum night and I’m sitting in Catina’s seat listening to the teacher and I start reading the signs around the room and having this inner dialogue. The first one I read says “Its ok to not know but its not ok to not try.” Wow, what a great saying! I really need to have this hung in our house to make sure Catina understands this. Then I read “Mistakes are proof that you are trying.” Wow, incredible. Catina is a perfectionist and I want her to know its about the process and journey and not the end result. The result is the journey!

That night I get home and I email the teacher to thank her teaching my daughter such great concepts. I told her that I struggle with perfectionism and have noticed that its something Catina does too. I asked her if she could send me the quotes so I can have them for our home. She sends me this link back and says that the quotes are just as much for her than they are for her students.  

Bam! Then it hit me. The way to get rid of this two-sided coin is to change my beliefs. I need to change the belief that its not if I actually complete the book that is important. And, that its not if people like it or not but it’s the process. I need to believe that trying is good and that mistakes are proof that I am trying. I need to believe that it is about the journey and not the end result. And, its ok to not know how to get there but its not ok to not try to get there.

I’ve heard before that if you try to block negative thoughts that our beings don’t like void and that we will replace it with something. In this, you can’t just block it. My friend who reminded me of this said that what she was taught is that you listen to that untruth and then you tell it the new belief and truth. Hoping to start writing more soon but in the mean time I’ll be replacing some of my beliefs!