Today I bought a bottle of St. John's Wort. This was not what I planned on writing about and that is pretty annoying to me. I post on this blog for myself but I also post because I have realized my authenticity has helped some know they are not alone.
This past week I came to some realizations AGAIN (when will I learn?). I had some eureka moments about how I am living my life and how I need to have a brain shift in some areas. I was able to talk about these things with a few good friends and it has helped me to know that what I am choosing to do will put me in a healthier place. Our family had a great weekend with another family in Spring Lake. I was overwhelmed at a few points of the love this family has for us. Mainly, I believe God has used them to show me His love. It was humiliating. In a good way.
Despite this amazing time in the sunshine with friends, I still feel this underlying gut feeling that I am depressed. I've worked out a lot emotionally and its in the midst of summer so I can't blame it on the cold of winter so it hit me that I need to do something. That if its not what it should be now when things are good, what will it be like in January? So, I wrote St. John's Wort on the list.
Right after this happened I checked Facebook and saw that Robin Williams had committed suicide. A punch to the gut because he was so talented and seemed like a good person. Why did he feel so tormented?
I can't imagine what his family must feel. I wish I could tell them it wasn't their fault. I know that what is going on inside me is not anyone's fault. I really believe I am imblanced chemically somehow and need the extra help to keep me balanced. I also know that what I am experiencing is very minor compared to others who suffer from depression and this has given me a deeper compassion for those who deal with this on a deeper level.
I know writing this will bring some judgement upon me. And, well, that's o.k. I really believe that I am where I am and doing what I am doing for a reason. Every person is different and for me this is what I believe needs to be the next step. Your prayers are appreciated.
Now back to writing what I hoped to. Stay tuned!